I somehow dislike the feeling that I get if a couple of more people come to our house. I might be speaking to them normally from quite sometime, but all of a sudden, I feel that it is a pain to speak to them.
It so happened that a group of cousins, who are pretty close to me, came home all of a sudden unannounced. I spoke to them for 5 mins….. then, I din’t feel like speaking and just walked out. I spent the rest of the day outside the house, but going nowhere. I was just sitting on the compound wall or walking in our street. GOK what they might have thought of me!!! As if I care about what they might think of me!!!!
I normally speak to all of these cousins individually. I dunno what came over me that day. I can never forget the next few days when my mom scolded me, when my sis scolded me. Those days, Dad was alive. Even he felt bad. He told me that I need to be better in PR. I am pretty good at that.
I always end up fighting with people who are good and close to me. I’ve fought ‘n’ number of times with my sister, with her friends, with my friends, with my parents, with our cousins etc…. the list is endless. Though none of these fights are physical, I always argue and manage to piss them off!!! Then, I just get out of the house, to stay on the streets. I don’t have a vehicle and I would not even go anywhere else. I just stay near the house, on the street in front of the house. That’s it. I’ll wait there till all these people go away or till my mood becomes alright or till my mom comes and scolds me again to drag me inside the house.
I have hurt myself many a time for that, but even to this date, I keep doing the same!!! I was standing barefoot in the hot sun by 12:30 PM one day and continued standing there till 5 PM doing nothing. Din’t even feel like going in or going to the shade. I was that crazy. By EOD, I ended up having innumerable blisters in my foot, which took more than 2 weeks to heal. Thinking back now, I feel that it was sick on my part to come out of the house just coz someone came there or just coz you din’t feel like speaking to them. It was even worse that I felt like hurting myself and ended up having blisters!!!!
Even last evening, when my sister came with her relatives to our house, I din’t feel like going inside the house, I had to go coz my other relatives came and saw me standing out of the house, they asked me to come in and I had to go. I did not speak to neone last evening. But that is something entirely different. I was not given the freedom to stay alone.
I take the refuge of my office to be away from my house and to be with myself. I am not supposed to go anywhere and be there. Anywhere I go, I get back my old thoughts and I don’t want to be musing about them. I want to be happy and I am happy the way I am currently. If I change something, I fear that I might lose this happiness. A is coming back to me, I feel and she told me that she was avoiding me all these days. That is a relief, coz I was just assuming that she was avoiding me. My assumption did not go wrong.
N is gone forever, I occasionally feel the pang. It doesn’t matter. I feel that whatever does happen, happens for good. I feel happy coz she’s happy with that asshole. She might actually be living with him. Both of them are in Jayanagar 5th Block. Whenever my bus passes through that, I think of her, Whenever I see a couple in love, I think of her. Whenever I see another girl with a nice smile on her face, I think of her.
Whenever I think of her, I feel depressed coz she’s not there for me anymore. I feel that it is my mistake or that I hurried into our relationship. Whatever happens, it is almost a year since N and I were together. She might have just completed her one year of office or she might be a week away from completing her one year of service. Whatever, I don’t think I can ever forget her. Nor can I forget the days we spent together.
BTW, whenever I feel depressed, I feel like hurting myself physically. There is a particular term given to people who are interested in hurting themselves. It is not sadism. It is something else. I am not getting that term. Can neone tell me???
It so happened that a group of cousins, who are pretty close to me, came home all of a sudden unannounced. I spoke to them for 5 mins….. then, I din’t feel like speaking and just walked out. I spent the rest of the day outside the house, but going nowhere. I was just sitting on the compound wall or walking in our street. GOK what they might have thought of me!!! As if I care about what they might think of me!!!!
I normally speak to all of these cousins individually. I dunno what came over me that day. I can never forget the next few days when my mom scolded me, when my sis scolded me. Those days, Dad was alive. Even he felt bad. He told me that I need to be better in PR. I am pretty good at that.
I always end up fighting with people who are good and close to me. I’ve fought ‘n’ number of times with my sister, with her friends, with my friends, with my parents, with our cousins etc…. the list is endless. Though none of these fights are physical, I always argue and manage to piss them off!!! Then, I just get out of the house, to stay on the streets. I don’t have a vehicle and I would not even go anywhere else. I just stay near the house, on the street in front of the house. That’s it. I’ll wait there till all these people go away or till my mood becomes alright or till my mom comes and scolds me again to drag me inside the house.
I have hurt myself many a time for that, but even to this date, I keep doing the same!!! I was standing barefoot in the hot sun by 12:30 PM one day and continued standing there till 5 PM doing nothing. Din’t even feel like going in or going to the shade. I was that crazy. By EOD, I ended up having innumerable blisters in my foot, which took more than 2 weeks to heal. Thinking back now, I feel that it was sick on my part to come out of the house just coz someone came there or just coz you din’t feel like speaking to them. It was even worse that I felt like hurting myself and ended up having blisters!!!!
Even last evening, when my sister came with her relatives to our house, I din’t feel like going inside the house, I had to go coz my other relatives came and saw me standing out of the house, they asked me to come in and I had to go. I did not speak to neone last evening. But that is something entirely different. I was not given the freedom to stay alone.
I take the refuge of my office to be away from my house and to be with myself. I am not supposed to go anywhere and be there. Anywhere I go, I get back my old thoughts and I don’t want to be musing about them. I want to be happy and I am happy the way I am currently. If I change something, I fear that I might lose this happiness. A is coming back to me, I feel and she told me that she was avoiding me all these days. That is a relief, coz I was just assuming that she was avoiding me. My assumption did not go wrong.
N is gone forever, I occasionally feel the pang. It doesn’t matter. I feel that whatever does happen, happens for good. I feel happy coz she’s happy with that asshole. She might actually be living with him. Both of them are in Jayanagar 5th Block. Whenever my bus passes through that, I think of her, Whenever I see a couple in love, I think of her. Whenever I see another girl with a nice smile on her face, I think of her.
Whenever I think of her, I feel depressed coz she’s not there for me anymore. I feel that it is my mistake or that I hurried into our relationship. Whatever happens, it is almost a year since N and I were together. She might have just completed her one year of office or she might be a week away from completing her one year of service. Whatever, I don’t think I can ever forget her. Nor can I forget the days we spent together.
BTW, whenever I feel depressed, I feel like hurting myself physically. There is a particular term given to people who are interested in hurting themselves. It is not sadism. It is something else. I am not getting that term. Can neone tell me???
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