Musings abt life..

Hell.. why the fuck am i confused to this extent?? Lemme just give u a few hints on what am confused:

1) I have a loan running on my bike and I need to shell out 25K more to finish this loan. Do I let it go on? The rate of interest is 8.5%. If I take a new loan to finish the vehicle loan, the rate of interest would be more than 18% for sure.. And why do i want to finish this vehicle loan? I seriously have no idea!!! It has just entered my mind that I need to finish the current vehicle loan, even if it means taking a fresh loan wid a higher rate of interest!!! Stupidity right??? Yeah.. but what the hell.. it is my bike and my loan and my stupidity!

2) I want to take up photography seriously and my current photography is wid my 2MP cellphone camera. I know this is not that great. I want to buy a DSLR camera and become click happy wid nature and wildlife and people and all other stuff.. Is it coz I have been roaming and interacting wid the same kinda people or is it really a part of my passion?? I have the passion for photography and I am equally interested in viewing photographs... But is an investment of 45K worthwhile for this passion which I am not even sure?? And when would I get time to pursue this hobby of mine? And would I be able to sustain my interest for a pretty long time to make it worthwhile??

3) I need to buy a bullet 500 CC bike or atleast a 350 CC bike to take on long rides.. The mileage would not be worth it but yet, the feel is good.. so, ditch the mileage. But the cost of this bike is a min. of 1 lakh. Is this worth it?? Even if I invest so much, would my mom allow me to go for long rides??? And where all can I go?? How do i park 2 bikes in my current house?? What do I do with this Unicorn??? I am not interested in selling this.. I want to use this as well for the power this gives and to go fast.. bullet for cruising on highways!!

4) I have put this question in my previous blogpost but what the heck, here it goes again. I have, in the past, succumbed to lust and have lost quite a good gal in my life.. but that was quite alright coz I lost her paying heed to her words "not to tell anyone abt our affair!" But again, now, lust is dragging me towards it in full force in multiple directions by multiple people.. Do I chuck our traditional values aside and surrender to lust for the sake of some 45 mins to 1 hour of pleasure? OR Do I still be a traditional guy, be good in the eyes of mom and family members and wait for my gal to come??? I am absolutely uninterested in marriage and since I am only 25, I don't wanna go against the sentiments of Mom to indulge myself in sex. Whatever has happened in the past was due to my innocence/ignorance and now, since I'm more matured, these thoughts!!!

5) What do i want in life?? Go abroad? Earn a lot of money? Complete my PG Degree? Get a home? Take care of mom like none else would? Give prominence to laziness and be the way I am currently? Do puja as what mom wants me to do? Give time for people to realize my worth and come to me??? Or go behind them and force myself upon them?? What abt a 4x4 jeep that I have been thinking abt from time immemorial.. probably from the time that I have thought about a 2 wheeler and then, a bullet?? The two wheeler has become a truth.. Bullet might become a true.. but if bullet becomes true, I am gonna go for the 4x4 jeep.. and Bloody hell, I am getting old.. 25 goddamn years and 5+ years of work ex.. and what is my saving??? Absolute ZERO!!! Shit! I hate life!

But at the end of all these, I ask myself a question.... was the worrying worth it?? Today is the tomorrow that you worried about yesterday.. was it worth it??? And am i not happy currently?? I am happy and the worrying is not worth it... I normally don't keep worrying for a long time.. this is one occasion that I am putting my thoughts on the blog!

How many people have come in my life and went by coz of this attitude of mine?? And what if I was not like this?? I would loved to have checked my life like they show in the movie 12B (Tamil). In this movie, the hero misses a bus and is unable to attend an interview. The entire movie goes like what would have happened if he got the bus and attended the interview - that is one part and what would have happened if he missed the bus, missed the interview too... that is the second part!

So, how many parts would i have in life??? Lemme c..

Part 1 --> Scene - Dad resigning from CFTRI --> Dad resigned and here I am in a BD team without any idea of my designation nor a good salary.
What if Dad had not resigned??? What would I have been??? More studious? Spoilt? Engineer? Pilot? Army? Or would I have been a good for nothing vagabond guy? This is completely unknown

Part 2 --> Scene - Dad has resigned and me still in CFTRI School doing my 7th. Mom's insistence to join a different school for high school --> I did not listen to mom's words and here I am in a BD team without any idea of my designation nor a good salary.
What if I had listened to mom's words??? Would I have scored a better percentage in my 10th? Would I have had the need to go for tuitions??? What would I have been??? More studious? Spoilt? Engineer? Pilot? Army? Or would I have been a good for nothing vagabond guy? This is completely unknown

Part 3 -> Scene - Dad has resigned and me studied high school in CFTRI itself, got 79% in 10th. My wish and Mom's agreement to join science in a college of my choice but Dad and Seema's disapproval of our plans citing financial reasons --> I listened to Dad and Seema and studied commerce for PUC in a sonofabitch college in Mysore (DBCC) which threw water on being a pilot or joining the airforce or becoming an engineer or a scientist.
What if I had disagreed with Dad and Seema and gone ahead and proved myself that I did not require tuitions for PUC and had secured a seat in a prestigious college for PUC Science studying maths??? What would I have been??? More studious? Spoilt? Engineer? Pilot? Army? Or would I have been a good for nothing vagabond guy? This is completely unknown

Part 4 -> Scene - Seema's marriage in the midst of PUC - I prayed to God that let a particular alliance work out and that did work out, It is 8 years and Seema is still sufferring occasionally due to her inlaws and more due to her stubbornness to adjust to life.
What if I had not prayed like that or I had prayed for a different alliance or she had said NO to this guy or the guy had said NO to her? Would she have been Mrs VP as she now is??? Would she have got married et all??? Would she have grown softer and milder in her outlook towards life?

Part 5 -> Scene - Completed PUC roaming here and there like a vagabond from that sonofabitch college in Mysore and as a result, managed to scrape through PUC with 64%, was forced coz of this to join B'Com in Mahajana College --> I completed B'com and got a few good friends.. but was again forced coz of the same financial conditions to join a BPO and not study further.
What if I had taken up BBM or some other course and studied further and completed my PGD? Would I still have been a Process Executive and a Team Lead and a BD consultant?? Would I have become a manager earning lakhs and leading the life the way I wanted to lead.. buying a bike, buying a car, buying a camera, going abroad, buying a house, able to give good medical attention to dad and not losing him to some screwball of an infract in his brain!!

Whatever it is.. here i am and am contented for the time being.. Though I get these ostentious wishes and desires and thoughts occasionally, I really do not feel for them!